


Illegal Matters of Caspar's Heart

by cosmicci



Category: Jaspar - Fandom, Youtubers, joe sugg and caspar lee
Genre: Coming Out, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Truth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-09
Packaged: 2018-04-30 19:31:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5177024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicci/pseuds/cosmicci
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The way I feel about you, it shouldn't be legal."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Illegal Matters of Caspar's Heart

 

_“Caspar?”_

Caspar instantly pulled away from Joe as the sound of his name left the brunette’s lips. The lips that he had been kissing only seconds ago, the lips that he had wanted to kiss for ages and the lips that had felt perfect matched against his own. He didn’t want to look at Joe’s turquoise irises and see the shock or the regret etched within his deep, blues so he kept his head down and slowly stood up from the couch.

_Why did I just do that?_

“Caspar.” Joe called his name but Caspar was already on his way to the stairs, already on his way to his room where he would most likely roll in his bedcovers and cry his poor, little heart out because Joe didn’t feel the same way. Joe didn’t feel the electricity between them that Caspar always felt when they touched or exchanged glances.

“Caspar, wait.” Joe said, this time his voice was firmer and Caspar heard rustling as Joe got up from the couch. How had an innocent, game of Fifa turned into something like this?

_I shouldn’t have kissed him. Fuck._

Caspar hesitated at the top of the staircase, his foot hovering in the air, trying to make a decision. Should he stay and listen to Joe or should he go? He opted to stay when he heard Joe’s voice again, firm and with a tone that meant no nonsense. “Will you just wait?” Joe whispered, his voice was hoarse. “I’m-I’m trying to comprehend what just happened there because I’m not even sure it really happened.”

The South-African sucked in a breath as he listened to Joe. The kiss was so bad that Joe couldn’t remember it, it was so bad that Joe wasn’t sure it even happened. He sounded disgusted and Caspar felt disgusted with himself because Joe wasn’t gay, Joe loved girls and he had gone and kissed a straight man… his best friend, his roommate…. His _everything_. “Caspar, did you just kiss me?”

He nodded limply before taking a step down and turning around to face Joe. “I’m sorry.”

Joe’s face was a mixture of emotions. It wasn’t a blank canvas, every emotion ever known was plastered on his face but Caspar could only make out a few fragments of surprise and was that… disappointment? Joe wanted to reach out and place a hand on Caspar’s shoulder, he wanted back the normal, goofy atmosphere that had existed when they had been playing Fifa, throwing swear words at each other and cheering obnoxiously loudly when they got a goal. “Why did you kiss me?”

“I don’t know,” Caspar sighed as the first tears leaked out of his eyes. He hadn’t meant to say that he didn’t know because deep down he knew exactly why he had decided to kiss Joe on the couch, surrounded by the low murmur of commentary from the game that they had been playing. He had kissed Joe because he wouldn’t have been able to survive any longer without getting a taste of those sweet lips, he had kissed Joe because when the brunette had turned to look at him, his eyes had been sparkling and his lips had been curved in a kiss-me smile. “No… I mean, I mean I do know. But I’m sorry -”

“I want to know why.”

“What do you mean Joe?” Caspar yelled. “I-I… Why do you want to know? I kissed you! I kissed you and that’s that… it’s already happened and I’m sorry that you want to take it back because you can’t take it back. Asking me why won’t change anything.”

_“Caspar.”_ Joe gritted his teeth. “Just tell me why you kissed me, why you felt like that was just the perfect, goddamn, fucking moment to kiss me!”

“Because I’m… I’ve fallen for you!” Caspar replied, feeling just as angry as Joe looked. He wasn’t sure why he was just angry, maybe it was just because Joe was spurring him on – forcing him to talk about it. “I fell for you a long time ago and I’ve been trying so hard to keep it at bay – keep my feelings a secret, I’ve been trying so hard not to look too much into every, little thing that happens between us because I know that you don’t feel the same way. You’re-you’re straight and I’m not.”

“Caspar –

“I’m sorry.” Caspar felt broken and battered inside, he batted uselessly at the tears that trickled down his cheeks. “I didn’t mean to kiss you… I just – you were staring at me and I was caught up in the moment –

Joe couldn’t take it anymore. He hated having to listen to Caspar’s voice in this state – it sounded so broken and raw. Without further ado, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the taller boy, raising himself up on his tiptoes so that he could wrap his arms around Caspar’s whole body. Caspar sobbed brokenly into Joe’s neck and he heard a few, muffled ‘I’m sorrys,’ hushed whispers muffled by the fabric of Joe’s t-shirt.

“The way I feel about you, it shouldn’t be legal.” Caspar mumbled, still caught up in Joe’s arms. It might have been a minute or even just a few seconds but Caspar felt as though Joe’s arms had been around him for ages – so much so that his voice was now composed and he was able to speak without it breaking. “I shouldn’t be feeling this way about my best friend, my roommate…”

“Why not?” Joe asked, quietly.

“Because – Because, you’re straight and I’m –

“Not?” Joe finished for Caspar. They pulled away from each other and Caspar rubbed at his eyes, the Mediterranean blue of his irises were still swimming with tears but he was managing to hold off the raging wave he would unleash later, in the privacy of his bedroom. “They’re just labels, Casp. They don’t define who we are as people and if I’m being true to myself, honestly, truly, true to myself… I don’t know if the label I have fits me anymore.”

Caspar’s eyes widened slightly and he moved to step back slightly but he stopped himself when he realized that he was standing on the staircase and one step backwards would mean his whole body would go tumbling down the stairs. He wasn’t sure what to make of what Joe had just said… was he, was he really saying that he wasn’t straight?

_Fuck._

“I’m sorry.” Joe said after a short while of Caspar just staring at him and Caspar just trying to understand what was happening. “But the way that you’re feeling, Caspar, it’s not illegal.”

“Joe –

Joe grabbed Caspar again, but this time it wasn’t for a hug, it was for something he should have done ages ago. It was for a kiss, it was for the feeling he had wanted to feel ever since he had first set eyes on Caspar and his cheeky smile. When their lips met for the second time, with Joe in control, everything felt better – there was no awkwardness from the first kiss Caspar had initiated because it was like their lips just knew that it was time to kiss and it was like they were molded to fit each other. Joe bit down on Caspar’s bottom lip and at the sound of the younger boy’s moan, he snaked a hand up, stroking the nape of Caspar’s neck before fisting his fingers in Caspar’s soft, blonde hair.

Caspar wasn’t sure where to put his hands but he eventually settled them around Joe’s waist, spinning them around so that he could slam Joe against the nearest wall – which was really the glass panel that covered part of the side of their staircase. It felt different, it felt like they were in control and Caspar fucking loved that. “Caspar…” Joe breathed against his lips as they pulled away for a second. Caspar mumbled an ‘mmm?’ before nipping at Joe’s lips, causing the brunette to tilt his head back and allowing Caspar full access to the supple, skin of his neck. “Caspar, wait… this is getting way out of hand.”

The South-African boy realized that Joe was right and he pulled back, resisting the urge to plant hot, open-mouthed kisses on Joe’s neck. The two boys rested their foreheads together and took in deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling at the same time before laughing. The sound of Joe’s laughter was music to Caspar’s ears and he couldn’t help but smile, he couldn’t help but smile at the fact that this had happened… he couldn’t wait to call Joe his.

“Hey, Casp?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t do this sooner.” Joe replied with a sheepish smile. “But you’re right about one thing. The way that you make me feel… it really should be considered illegal, because you drive me so, fucking crazy sometimes.”

_In the best way possible, Joe. Only ever in the best way possible._

**Author's Note:**

> My first 'Jaspar' fanfic... I think it turned out pretty well, haha. I wasn't planning on it getting as heated as it did but that's okay, I don't mind. Thanks for reading!


End file.
